fire up, buttercup
another gray, cold, damp day weighs heavy on this soul trying to float to the top. I am trying to see the good off on the horizon. i squint, hoping and praying the goal hasn't totally faded to black. how does one cope when feeling like going with the flow is all wrong? i'm recognizing a deep-seated love for all things texas and a wall of resistance built up against the harshness of beantown. compromise. how much is too much? how much is long enough? how does one take responsibility for the spurring us into the next chapter in which we don't know the ending or even the in between? baby steps to glory. baby steps to letting go. baby steps to being okay and feeling worthy to be the reason behind the decision.
i wouldn't change my experience here for the world, i don't have any regrets, i just need more outta life. more than stressful day to day, dirty grime, people throwing up on public transport. i fear my friends don't understand that i don't mean any of this against them. it's important to be next to the one you love, but i get a lump of sadness in my throat when i truly think of having to stay here. i just don't think i can. i want it to end soon. it seems like the perfect break. and i feel spoiled, but honestly, wasn't it part of the deal? part of the negotiations? a good job and we stay ... i don't know how i thought the job would end, i don't think i ever thought about it. i thought at some point we'd just have to get a trade in, but it seems the chips have been dealt and we have 6500 feelers out there... looking mainly in boston and i just want to mourn the loss of my dream and hope it isn't really dead.
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